


a big dirty bitch

by QQI25



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-07 01:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18863347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QQI25/pseuds/QQI25
Summary: Wade's apartment's a fucking mess. Peter hates it.Based on a post by symbiote-spideypool/SymbioteSpideypool!





	a big dirty bitch

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Spideypool Ficlet Collection](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16857568) by [SymbioteSpideypool](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SymbioteSpideypool/pseuds/SymbioteSpideypool). 



> are they best friends? qpps? romo partners?? who tf knows it's up to u
> 
> sry if ur expecting more charas from itsv! it's just tht i pictured peter b soooo
> 
> title's from a vine

Peter loves Wade to death, really. They’ve been best friends for a while, Wade being the only one he can see regularly between being Peter Parker the employee and Spider-Man the hero, as well as the only one who understands his situation. Wade’s funny and kind and respectful. What he _does_ n’t love is how fucking messy Wade’s apartment is. He’s been there. Some might say he _is_ still there. And Wade has lotsa bad days; he gets that. _And_ Wade’s sort of a city nomad. He gets that too. But would it _kill_ him to tidy at least a tiny bit? Peter makes sure to clean up old food and dishes. Usually. _Def_ initely, by one week. Peter doesn’t leave his suit and web-shooters out and about as a hazard. Wade, on the other hand, leaves _ev_ erything out. His clothes, his dirty dishes, his week-old pizza boxes, his _weapons_.

“Wade, I love you, but you need to pick up your shit. Like, you leave everything everywhere and I get that shit gets hard, but like, you have energy to clean up food stuff, right? I’ve seen fucking _rats_ here, dude. It’s gross,” Peter says, sighing, after a particularly trying time getting from the kitchen to the living room. He sits right next to Wade since it’s the only empty spot on the couch. 

“Aww, Pete, you _love_ me?”

“You’re zeroing in on _that_? I thought that was a well-established fact. The thing you should be paying attention to is the _cleaning up dirty dishes and takeout boxes_.”

“Yeah, yeah. But only because you love me and I love you.” 

“ _Thank_ you.” 

It helps. He definitely doesn’t leave those lying around anymore. That has the added bonus of no unwelcome rats. What Peter _wasn’t_ counting on was the _rest_ of his shit. More empty floor space means more shit to leave on the floor, apparently. Other stuff quickly fills in the empty gaps left behind by the foodstuffs. 

“Wade, would it kill you to pick up after yourself once in a while? Like maybe on laundry days? At least? Because your piles of shit are probably literally gonna kill me one day.”

“Aww, don’t worry. I’ll pick you up and carry your around the place if you’re worried about getting hurt!”

“And risk the _both_ of us going down? I swear, it’s like trying to ask a kid to clean up. Do I need to make a chore chart for you too? Give you stickers when you clean? Give you bigger rewards once you have 5 stickers? 10?” Wade’s gone silent and Peter looks over to see him in thought, like he’s seriously considering it. 

“What kinda big rewards?” Wade’s looking pointedly at Peter’s crotch and he blushes.

“ _Nope_.”

“Okay, okay. But I’m serious, Petesy! If the rewards are worth it, I might just be persuaded to clean,” Wade says in a singsong voice. 

“Alright,” Peter concedes. If it gets Wade to clean. He sits down on the couch beside Wade and turns to face him. “What kind of rewards do you consider ‘worth it’? I’m gonna say right off the bat that gropes are off the table. And sexual favours. If I start a sexual relationship with someone, it is most definitely _not_ gonna be from a frickin’ chore chart. Kisses don’t necessarily count as sexual favours, but that depends on placement. But I think I’m open to pretty much everything else.” Is it weird that he was so prepared for that? Nah, not to himself at least. Nothing’s really been considered weird since all the interdimensional travelling shit. 

“Got it! Hmm dinner dates?”

“We already do that, but sure.” 

“Game nights? No, we already do that too. Night off? Nah, those’re boring without you. Damn, this is harder than I thought.”

“I mean, I can see what we can do about other supers filling in for us for a night. But those would have to be like, at least 20 stickers. And I can give you rides around? Occasionally?”

“Sure! And then we could have spa days! Well, nights. And you mean, like, on your back?”

“Like on my back,” Peter confirms. He might be older and fatter now, but he’s pretty much still in tip-top shape. 

“Damn Daddy, you’re so good to me.”

“Okay, do not _ever_ even _think_ of uttering that sentence to me ever again.”

“ _Wow_ Parker, way to kinkshame.”

“Not kinkshaming, just saying I don’t wanna be called that. Notice I said ‘to me’, not ‘don’t ever say that again’.” As he’s gotten older, he’s grown lax with lots of shit, especially being friends with Wade, but that is just _not_ an alley he wants to walk down. 

“Touché.”

“Hmm, I guess we’ll come up with more ideas as we go along.” 

_That_ also works, to Peter’s slight surprise. He and Wade go shopping one day and find a chore chart that Wade likes. It’s magnetic, so not exactly stickers, but it’s got stars and hearts, so Wade considers that a win, which means Peter considers that a win too. There haven’t been foodstuffs since Peter asked Wade to clean them up. There’s not really any clothes lying around anymore. Peter can actually _see_ the floor these days. The bed is relatively empty, besides the blanket and pillows and stuffed animals. Cups aren’t piling up on the desk or bedroom floor. Most of the ammo and guns and explosives are actually in Wade’s weapons room. 

They’ve had a few nights off now, some ‘spa nights’, as Wade calls them, others just hang outs. Peter takes Wade around the city about once a week and they find new rooftops to look at the stars and city from. He also sometimes spontaneously brings Wade little knick knacks that make him think of Wade, or that he thinks Wade’ll like. Those don’t really correlate with the stickers, just with the fact that they’re friends and also that Wade’s making an effort. When Wade has bad days, Peter doesn’t mind that the apartment’s messier; he just stays the night by Wade’s side the whole time. 

The chore chart’s also helpful in that it brings them closer. Peter’s around more often. He hadn’t thought it’d help him too, but it does. Sometimes when Peter’s alone, he thinks back to when he was with Miles and the rest of what Wade refers to as “the Spiderfam” and his heart _aches_ , so it’s nice to be around someone else. And Wade gets it, never judges him for needing someone else around, never pushes him for more than he’s ready for. 

The only problem nowadays is weapons. After missions, especially bad ones, he just leaves them where he first puts them down and forgets about them. They’re never nuisances for him either, he says, because his healing factor’s ~~better than Peter’s~~ good. Peter _hates_ it. The mostly-clean state of the apartment has led to him letting his guard down, which has led to more stubbed toes than he can count. Even if shit is in the same place it was in the last time he was over. 

“Fuck!” he exclaims after another nasty run-in between a sword and his poor, poor toes. “I _swear_ to fucking _god_ , Wade, if I stub my toe on one more sword, I’m filing for a divorce!” He hadn’t meant to say those words (they’re not even married what the _fuck_ Parker who says shit like that) but they’re already out there, so he just has to roll with it. It surprises Wade, too, who gets to work picking up the swords and hurriedly bringing them to the weapons room. But then Peter stubs his toe on a hunting knife and he’s _gotta_ keep the game going, so he heads to the window and pushes it open, putting a foot up on the sill.

“That’s it, Wade! We’re through!” But Wade’s just as quick as him, and he’s already there, arms around Peter’s waist, cheek pressed to his back.

“No no no, Pete c’mon, don’t do this! Think about it! Think about the _chil_ dren what’re they gonna do?” Peter throws his head back, laughing, which Wade hadn’t expected, and they both fall back and land on the floor. 

“Oh my god, is your head okay?” Peter manages to get out between laughs, rolling over still on top of Wade and cradling his head. Wade’s laughing at this point too.

“‘S all good, Pete.” Peter thunks his forehead down gently on Wade’s chest. 

“We’re like the weirdest fucking people I know.” 

“Well, being normal would be a fucking snoozefest, wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. But you’re picking up your weapons, okay? Pinky promise.” 

“Pinky promise.” Wade locks his pinky around Peter’s. 

“Who are our fucking kids?”

“Uh, you’re telling me we’ve been together and you don’t even know your own _kids_? What kinda parent are you even? They’re in the bedroom, you heathen.” They get up so Wade can show him.

“That’s uhhh that’s Doggy, that’s Kitty, that’s Piggy, and that’s Ducky,” Wade says, pointing at each stuffed animal.

“What about that bear? Beary?” Peter snorts, and Wade shoves his shoulder lightly.

“No! That’s Pinky.” 

“Because she’s pink.”

“Because she’s pink.”

“Very original names, Wade,” Peter says dryly. 

“At least I _know_ we have kids,” Wade shoots back. “Now you hafta be _ex_ tra nice to us to make up for that.” 

“As if I’m not already extra nice.” 

“I’m a sensitive soul, Parker,” Wade says, sniffing. “And words hurt.” 

“Ha! As if you don’t talk to me in the exact same manner, hypocrite.” Wade pouts and Peter looks up at him, smiling, before resting his head on Wade’s shoulder.

“You’re so stupid.” 

“Mean!”

“I said it affectionately, which means it wasn’t mean. It was filled with love,” Peter corrects. 

“ _You’re_ filled with love,” Wade shoots back. Very weak and amateur comeback. 

“I _am_. What about you? Can’t have our marriage falling apart on our kids now, can we?” 

“You’re a nerd.” Wade nudges his own shoulder a little, but not so much that it dislodges Peter’s head. 

“Like _that_ wasn’t mean?”

“I said it with love, so it wasn’t mean. It was with love.” 

“I call bullshit.” But they’re both laughing, and Wade’s laced their fingers together, and he really can’t complain.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. it's been a while since i wrote a fic based on a post by SymbioteSpideypool! nd they're gna keep coming lol also sry idk which chp this is nd idk if they've/u've posted all the stuff from tumblr yet but i got this from tumblr
> 
> 2\. all of those are names of my stuffed animals except kitty. i DO hv hello kittys but i don't hv like. a generic cat i don't think. in MY defense i've had doggy since i was like. younger than three nd the othrs are from eight/under sooooo


End file.
